Funny One Shots
by illusionsaremylife
Summary: So basically, this is, um... yea... funny one-shots... yup... probably mostly the Stolls... idk
1. Spiders, Beards, AlcoholOH MY!

**I own nothing**

23 year old Percy Jackson sat on the couch of his apartment watching TV (a little bit drunk), when his girlfriend (Me: God Percy propose already!) Annabeth ran in, crying and screaming.

"Holy hell Percy! There is a huge and it's gonna kill me!" She screamed as tears ran down her face. Percy stood up and clenched his fist.

"Where doth he dwell, my love?" Percy asked. Annabeth looked up, confused, and pointed to the bathroom.

"Uh... In the tub. why are you talking like that?" Annabeth asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Because it is Saturday and I have consumed large amounts of alcohol." He narrowed his eyes. "And I have to pee anyway."

Annabeth face-palmed. "Why am I dating you?"

"Because the sex is tolerable and I make enough money to seem attractive." annabeth face-palmed again.

"Please," She muttered through her fingers. "Just go kill it."

"Then it shall be so! Let it be known on this night, no spider shall dwell within our porcelin domain!" Percy ran to their room and grabbed the tape off of Annabeth's desk, then ran into the kitchen and got a fork and grabbed the broom. He taped the fork to the broom. Then he ran off to find a wash cloth. He then taped the wash cloth to his face.

"Now then." He cleared his throat. "Who dare trespass within the walls of my kingdom?" He looked in the tub to find a spider about the size of a quarter. "Fool! You have angered the mighty Neptune!" He shouted. Then he narrowed his eyes. "And now you shall die!"

Percy turned the water on and pulled the thingy out so the shower came on. The water hit the spider and it was sucked towards the drain.

"to the depths with you!" He turned the water off as the spider disappeared.

"The intruder has been dealt with!" Percy shouted to Annabeth, who face-palmed again.

"Thank you sweetheart."

"Now prepare yourself for the hurricane force of sex!" Percy shouted.

"Not if your going to keep talking like that..." Annabeth shouted back.

"Fine..." there was silence. Annabeth looked up to see Percy standing in the doorway to the bathroom with his shoulder slumped. "But I'm leaving the beard, on dammit!"

Annabeth face palmed again.

**This was just kinda something I threw together for fun. I actually read this as a comic sequence sorta thing but turned it into this just for kicks. I hope you liked it.**

**Much Love More Hate,**

**-Moe**


	2. Nico Hates Everyone

**I own absolutely nothing :D **

**This is the the second installment in the the Funny One-Shots series which I have decided to create. I shall see the the lovely readers reading this at this very current moment at the the end of the the chapter :D**

**Also, did you notice I said THE twice? **

**I just fucked your brain up didn't I?**

**Right… story….**

**MEGAEPICPAGEBREAK**

Nico sat down on the steps to the Hades cabin.

_Ten minutes, dinner, bed, and then I'm out of this place forever._ He kept telling himself, trying to get his migraine to go away. He'd been hearing the same things all day:

"I'M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!"

"OH I LOVE YOU!"

"SUCH GREAT YEAR!"

"I CAN'T WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR!"

"WAAAAAA I'LL MISS YOU!"

Frankly, he was fucking sick of it.

He was just about to kill himself out of hatred for everyone.

But it was okay, he would be fine, because it was time for dinner, and you can't talk and eat at the same time, or the Aphrodite cabin will get you. Finally, peace and quiet. Or at least, peace and slurping.

Same thing at Camp Half-Blood.

**(AN: That sounds uber dirty )**

"Hey Nico." Percy walked up with his hands in his pockets, hair askew and a shaky smile on his face. "Wanna come to dinner with the rest of us?"

"Ehhh…. Why not?" Nico accepted Percy's extended hand and the two cousins walked to the dining pavilion together, making mindless small talk the whole way.

"Chiron wants me, you, and Thalia to make speeches at dinner." Percy told his younger cousin.

"Why the fuck would we do that?" Nico asked, completely taken aback.

"I don't know. I think he's finally lost it. But oh well. Just say something funny and make em laugh for me. Okay?" Percy playfully punched Nico's arm and they both laughed.

But Nico already knew exactly what he was going to say.

"Since this is the last day of camp, I have asked the children of the Big Three to give short speeches for us, Nico, will you please start?" Chiron nodded at the glum looking teen, who shrugged and stood up, climbing onto his table and turning to face the other tables.

"Um…hey." He ran a hand through his hair and let out a deep breath. "Well, all day I've been listening to all of you telling each other how much you love one another, how much you'll miss each other, shit like that. I just wanted to say, that, well… I fucking hate almost every single one of you. I hope you all die and leave me the fuck alone. Thanks." Then Nico climbed down and sat at his table, waiting for Percy to start, but the older teen was to busy laughing to say anything.

"Mr. di Angelo!" Chiron cried with a look of horror.

"I figured someone needed to say it." Nico blew his hair out of his face and gave the tiniest shrug that said: I don't like you and don't care what you think.

"I knew I liked that kid." Clarisse said loudly from across the dining pavilion.

**MEGAEPICPAGEBREAK**

**Anyway, how'd you like Nico's speech? :D**

**I know it's not really 'funny' but I worked with what I had available in the thirteen minutes it took me to write this. :) I hope you enjoyed it, because I kinda crack up thinkin about Nico saying something like that. Anyway, yeah. **

**Also, I take requests for these silly one-shots. All the ones I've done are either rage comics or memes converted into stories, it works.**

**Soooooooooooooo….. yep…..**

**Anyway.**

**Bye.**

**-Stay thirsty my friends**

**-cookiemonstermoe **

**Oh right, I'm not the beer commercial, so here ya go:**

**-Stay lovely my lovely readers**

**-cookiemonstermoe**


	3. Connor and Travis Attempt to Be Nice

**I do not own anything, mkay bro? Cool.**

**Anyway, let's get along with the inevitable authors note at the beginning of the chapter.**

**Soooooooooooooo I want to thank everybody for favoriting/following me/the story and for reviewing and stuff. I really enjoy getting those emails. :) **

**No, that was not sarcasm, I friggn love opening my email and having my screen filled with emails from FanFiction. It makes my day to find that. **

**So anyway, onward with the chapter, before I start giving a speech or something. I shall see my lovely readers at the end of the chapter. Mkay? Mkay cool bro.**

"WAAAA! I'M SOOO UGLY!" Connor and Travis looked at each other in confusion. The cries were coming from the Aphrodite cabin.

Didn't all those girls think they were sexy?

Someone didn't get the memo apparently.

"Bro, you hear that?" Travis stuck his head out of the cabin door and he could see the Aphrodite girl sitting on the steps to the cabin.

"Damn. It's the sexy redhead from the other night." Connor whispered when he looked.

"We should go help her. I feel bad seeing girls cry." Travis had a glum look on his face and Connor agreed with his brother.

"Hey." Travis and Connor walked up to her and she sniffled and looked at them.

"Come to throw tomatoes at the dumb Aphrodite girl crying?"

"No way. We're fucking gentlemen." Travis stuck his chin up in pride, and Connor followed suit. "We came to help the damsel in distress." The Aphrodite girl sniffled again and looked up with a small smile on her face.

"So what's wrong?" Connor asked, sitting next to the girl. Travis sat on the other side just in time to have a great view of her starting to cry again.

"OH GODS! I'M UGLY AND FAT! NO ONE LIKES ME AND I'M GONNA DIE ALONE WITH A MILLION CATS! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Connor shot Travis a look of distress and the older brother took over.

"Hey, calm down. If anyone's ugly here it's me and Connor." He patted her back and Connor nodded in agreement, trying to help.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'M PROBABLY ALMOST AS UGLY AS YOU!" Travis and Connor stood up and glared down at the girl, who was looking at them in confusion.

"We were just trying to be nice you fat cow." Connor snarled, turning on his heel.

"I hope your cats love you, dumb slut." Travis followed his brother.

"It's sooooooo hard being nice." Connor commented, laying down on his bed. The Stolls where safely back in the Hermes cabin, where no one expected them to be nice.

"I know right?" Travis said.

About five minutes later Chiron poked his head in the doorway.

"Dessert privileges revoked for the rest of the summer. You know what you did."

"She fucking deserved it!" Connor shouted.

"Dumb bitch called us ugly." Travis added.

"And we're not ugly." They told Chiron in unison.

**Did I make you smile? I hope so.**

**Anyway, yeah. That's my chapter for today.**

**I thought it was funny, a bit mean, but funny.**

**Also, sorry for all the vulgar language, but fuck it. YOLO right?**

**JK I hate that shit.**

**Anyway. **

**Thank you lovely readers for being beautiful and reading my thingies.**

**As a wise me once said: "If you get old and have wrinkles because you smiled/laughed to much, you must have lived a good life."**

**Anyway.**

**^^^^^^I say that too much don't I? Oh well.**

**Anyways!**

**-Stay Beautiful/Lovely my dearest readers! **

**-cookiemonstermoe**


	4. Kayla Burns Herpes

**Hello again.**

**It's your old pal Montana.**

**You know.**

**The one who constantly forgets to update.**

**Sorry babe.**

**Anyway.**

**Here's the new chappie babes.**

**En-fucking-joy.**

Connor and Travis were having a nice morning.

They had already pulled off several pranks and they were having an amazing time coming up with new ideas.

It was perfect.

That is, until Kayla from the Apollo cabin stormed out in a huff and threw something in the fire that Lady Hestia was tending. The Stolls looked at each other and started towards where Kayla stood, steam coming out of her ears.

"Hey Kayla, what's up?" Travis stuck his hands in his pockets while Connor stared at the burning teddy bear staring up at them.

"Nothing much, just burning shit my ex gave me. Wanna help?" Kayla pulled at her blond hair and pointed at her cabin, where a large pile was sitting outside the door.

"Oh crap… when did you and what's-his-face break up?" Connor asked, thinking of how that burning teddy bear looked like it was glaring at him.

"Twenty minutes ago when I found him kissing a daughter of Aphrodite."

"Oh…"

"Sooo…." Travis clapped his hands together and looked at the pile.

"Hang on, I have to finish burning all this shit my ex gave me." Kayla huffed and headed for the pile.

Connor watched her, shaking his head.

"Silly girl, you can't burn herpes."

**Yup.**

**That shit just went down.**

**No, I did not make Kayla up, she's of Rick Riordan's possession lol.**

**Whatevs.**

**Peace babes.**

**-stay mofokin botiful**

**-lerf**

**-moe**


	5. Cooking With Deadly Weapons!

**HI GUYS.**

**FOR NO NOTABLE REASON**

**I FEEL LIKE**

**THIS STORY**

**SHOULD BE**

**WRITTEN**

**IN**

**BOLD**

**AND**

**IN**

caps lock

**BUT I'LL SPARE THY MIND OF THAT**

**AWFUL TERROR**

**AND I SHALL WRITE YONDER STORY IN THE FORM OF…**

**NORMALLITY.**

**TRANSFORMERS!**

"Chiron! Come quick! It's Percy!" Chiron looked up from his pinochle game with Mr. D to see the camper looked rather frantic. Behind his cards, Mr. D was smirking at the thought of Percy in discomfort or something.

Who knows what he's thinking.

I sure as hell don't.

Anyway, Chiron ran after the camper, who was shouting about the dining pavilion, and that's what goddamn matters.

When Chiron got halfway there, he found Percy with his head between his knees on the ground, pulling at his hair.

"Percy, what is wrong child?"

"Connor and Travis are about to lose their heads. Oh wait, they already have." He threw his hands up, making himself lose balance and fall over. Chiron ran for the pavilion, due to the fact he heard Clarisse shouting.

"-a half-blood cooking show? Are you insane?"

"And now ladies and gentlemen, the final ingredient, the onion!" Travis grinned and held up the biggest onion the Demeter cabin had ever grown, at least twice the size of his head.

"Now, a lot of people cry whe-"

"TRAVIS STOLL I SWEAR IF YOU EVEN TOUCH THAT KNIFE TO THAT ONION I WILL RUN YOU THROUGH WITH MY KNIFE!" Katie was storming towards them, and Connor looked frantic.

"Do it!"

"Lots of people cry when they chop up onions, but the trick is just not to get emotionally attached to it. See?" Then he brought a sword down on the onion and sliced it in half.

Katie's face turned to one of rage.

"I'll make you cry!"

"That's all we have for today on 'Cooking With Deadly Weapons at Camp Half-Blood!'" Then Connor ran one way and Travis the other.

"Now I see why Percy was pulling his hair out…" Chiron muttered, sighing and heading back to the Big House.

**YUP.**

**SOOOOOO…**

**BYE**

**-KIP0HSEHEUOHGVOSUHFDKBKHDBF**

**-K0J6WJW**


End file.
